Mixed Emotions: The Guilt of Diagnosis

So, we’ve done it. Our beautiful little girl has her diagnosis.
The wait to see CAHMS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) was too long and the whole family was suffering. The ripples were being felt every waking minute so we decided to pay for a private consultation. For us, the benefit of knowing what we were dealing with outweighed the initial cost. Instead of existing in a semi-real state for months to come, we needed to move forward, embrace what was happening and ensure we could  do everything we could for our lovely girl. We are not millionaires. We’re hard-working people who were quite simply at the end of our tether – one more straw and our backs would’ve broken.
I appreciate that we’re lucky to be able to make this financial decision – this step towards the goal of  our daughter being happy was a sacrifice we were willing and able to make. It angers me so much  that we had to resort to paying privately (I have worked and paid full taxes for nearly 20 years now and so has my husband). Being pushed to this decision out of absolute angst and upset, for it to be the only viable way of getting the help we needed quickly leaves me feeling rather sick.
So, why the heck do I feel I have to justify this decision? To be honest, I feel guilty because I now know what’s going on, how to start moving forward. I now know what the next step is.
Mixed Emotions The Guilt of DiagnosisSo many families are in limbo, frantically trawling the internet for symptoms and tests and back-up and support and someone to say “I understand.” I feel guilty because I can see a future. Knowledge truly is power and I can feel the determination and  passion rising up inside me. I know that we can do it, we can get there, we can make her life happier and better and calmer and more relaxed.
I feel guilty because the worries and concerns I’ve had from day one have been validated. I was right, there was something “wrong.”  It wasn’t just me, I’m not a  bad mother, I’m not a useless wife, I’m not mad, I’m not deluded, I am correct. I feel guilty because every mother of an Asperger’s/ASD girl should be able to feel this way without  years of heartache, without loneliness and isolation and turmoil. Every mother should know that she is doing her best and her best is good enough. She is not a failure, she is not useless,  she is not neurotic.
I feel guilty because I now have the confidence to push for questions, I now have the energy to fight my corner, I now have resources and contacts. So what will I do to assuage my guilt? I will  fight on your behalf as well as mine. I will share my journey in the hope that it may help you. I will  continue to tell you how incredible you are and I will always be on your side. I know how  you feel.
[clickToTweet tweet=”I feel guilty because the worries I’ve had from day one have been validated. I was right, there was something wrong.” quote=”I feel guilty because the worries and concerns I’ve had from day one have been validated. I was right, there was something ‘wrong.'”]
Mixed Emotions The Guilt of Diagnosis
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